A broken hallelujah...

When all that I can sing

Is a broken hallelujah;

When my only offering

Is shattered praise.

Still a song of adoration

Will rise up from these ruins;

And I will worship You,

And give You thanks.

Even when my only praise

Is a broken hallelujah...

Broken Hallelujah 

By: Mandisa

I don't think this song could be any more fitting for our hearts here at ND. Today we had the memorial service for one of our sweet little ones, Carissa, who passed away last Friday, October 14. My, how our hearts ached within us as we had to let this beloved (which is what her name means) one go.

 

Carissa was a miracle from the beginning. Brought to ND in August at only two months old, she was immediately taken to the hospital because of her severe heart problems. Since then, her life has been a battle as thousands of people around the world have been praying for this little girl. On Friday, September 16 (the day before I arrived in China), she was sent home from the hospital to die because the doctors said there was nothing more they could do. But that wasn't true, they didn't realize what prayer and singing and holding and rocking could do...But we did. And so Carissa moved in to live with one of our nurses and her husband for a little while, while we waited to see what happened. And Carissa improved. Her O2 levels rose tremendously and her heart rate began to even out. I even had the privilege of witnessing these miracles by holding and rocking her for several hours a night the first week I was here...

Then the National Holiday came, and she got pneumonia and was sent back to the hospital. But she kept fighting and we kept praying for a miracle of complete healing. Then last week she was put on a ventilator and the doctors said there was no hope of her survival off of it. So after consulting with her orphanage, Carissa was sent home to die once again. We didn't know what would happen. But we knew that she was better off surrounded by her family at the only home she knew rather than in a hospital bed by herself. And she made it home, in the arms of our nurse (her Mom in our eyes) and she passed away in these arms with her earthly family praying over her and telling her just how loved she is.

It's hard to think about such a sweet little girl losing her life at such a young age. Mostly I just want to ask our Father, "Why?" Why was she only allowed to live for only four short months? And honestly, I don't think I'll ever know the answer.  But I can know that when Carissa closed her eyes and took her last breath, she found herself in the arms of her Heavenly Father who loves her more than we ever could. We prayed for complete healing, and that's exactly what she got. Carissa is now more whole and complete than you and I will ever be in this broken world. Today at lunch, another intern, our nurse, and I were talking about how much more we have come to value life since coming to ND. It's so easy to take life and health for granted. But our kids keep us in check. Too many of our children have come too close to death for us to think that life is anything less than a gift that our Father so graciously grants us each and every day. And that is exactly what Carissa was: a gift. Her sweet smile, soft giggle, warm coos, and battering eyes are all reminders of our Father's goodness and the beauty and joy of life. Carissa's short life brought joy to our hearts and made us draw closer to her heart and the heart of our Father as we sought out His will for her life.

It would be so easy to want to give up on such severe children like Carissa. It would be easy for ND to say they were not taking any more children with such severe medical conditions, but that's not what we're called to. If anything, Carissa's life is a reminder of the need for ND to reach out and take on these children and entrust them to their Heavenly Father's care. On Friday, the reading in my Jesus Calling book by Sarah Young couldn't have been more fitting for my ND family and the hurts that we were experiencing. I think it is exactly what Jesus was whispering to us throughout that tough day:

   Be prepared to suffer for Me, in My Name. All suffering has meaning in My kingdom. Pain and problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely -even thanking Me for them- is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned bells of Joy throughout heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends out ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles.
    When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign and that I can bring good out of everything. Do not try to run from pain or hide from problems. Instead, accept adversity in My Name, offering it up to Me for My purposes. Thus, your suffering gains meaning and draws you closer to Me. Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness.

My sweet Carissa, what a joy and a beloved gift you were to us, and how your life reminded us of your Father's sovereignty. May we never forget the blessing of life and to praise our Creator in trust and thankfulness even if it comes in the form of a broken hallelujah...